It's Okay to Feel Emotions; Not to Become Them

It’s okay to feel anxiety. It’s not really in your interest to ‘become anxious,’ which really means to be so totally identified with that emotion that you’re not experiencing it - you are it. This is a somewhat fine distinction that is hard to understand at first. But once you do, life literally opens up for you. 

I think we all know what ‘becoming the emotion’ is like. It’s an overwhelm, a total takeover, and is essentially out of your control. It is actually precisely the point at which you lose control. 

Here’s the metaphor I most often use: 

Imagine you are surfing. 

You’re sitting on your board, just past the area where the waves break. Waves are rolling in all the time. You have the option to let the wave roll under you, feel the wave, but not engage with it (meaning don’t paddle to try and catch the wave). If you do engage, then it is a conscious act and you’re able to ride the wave, in an interactive symbiosis. You’re in charge of yourself and your actions, responsive to the unique contours of that wave. 

Or, you can abdicate self control, be wobbly on your board while you’re sitting in the water, unaware of where you are, and accidentally get taken by the wave without intending to, head, feet, and board becoming a tossed salad. 

The latter is becoming the emotion. The former is just feeling it. 

I advocate for the former, because we want to experience all of life’s flavors (including the so-called ‘negative’ emotions). Yet we also want to stay in the driver's seat of our own lives. This is done by avoiding the false dichotomy of either being overly emotional (ie/ out of control) or emotionless (ie/ too much control). Rather, we can learn to be in relationship with our emotions, understanding them as messengers with important information to share about our environment. 

This leaves you in charge of yourself. Not in an authoritarian, dictatorial way, but in a good leadership way. 

A good leader knows how to communicate with their team, provide the forum for useful discussion which encompasses multiple perspectives and facets, and to ultimately be the decision maker with the team supporting them, because each team member knows their voice has been heard and seriously considered. 

The dictator rules solely through force, and is ultimately overcome by force. That doesn’t leave you free to develop, grow, or live life as you would want to. It keeps you in a constant power struggle. 

In working with myself or with my clients, achieving this usually has two major sections, which ultimately integrate. 

The first is understanding, and being able to interact with, my neurophysiology. I achieve this largely through tools such as bio- and neurofeedback, as well as other nervous system interactive procedures. 

The second is understanding how my psychological/emotional experience interacts with my neurophysiology. My favorite modalities for this are Internal Family Systems, Somatic therapies, and plain old self exploration through intuitive movement and ‘playing with meditating.’ 

Basically I think of the neurophysiological as the objective piece, upon which is built my subjective experience (psychological). 

Ultimately, what I am trying to do is become more of an active participant in my experience of life. I want to actively co-create my life, not passively come along for the ride. That requires an increased awareness.